Jokes and One Liners

Jul 8, 2011 by

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes……!


The Grim Reaper came for me last night and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Good grief, talk about Dyson with death


Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.


Two friends are fishing near a bridge.
Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head.
When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing.
His mate turns to him and says, “Dave, that’s one of the nicest most respectful things I’ve ever seen ”
Dave replies, “Well we were married for nearly 20 years”


Paddy says “Mick I’m thinking of buying a Labrador.”
“Blow that” says Mick, “Have you seen how many of their owners go blind”


I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice”
At least I presume she was poor – she only had £1.20 in her purse


My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker.
Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.


I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid…….then I was petrified.


What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One’s a superhero and the other is an instruction.


The wife has been missing for a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.



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