Even more Tommy Cooper one liners
Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says, “I’ll give you some cream to put on it”.
“Doc, I can’t stop singing the green green grass of home.”
“That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome”.
“Is it common?”
“It’s not unusual”.
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. “My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”
“Well”, says the vet, “let’s have a look at him”. So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down”.
“What? Because he’s cross-eyed?”
“No, because he’s really heavy”
“Doctor, I can’t pronounce my F’s, T’s and H’s”
“Well you can’t say fairer than that then”
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Oh, what a day I’ve had… I went to see the doctor today, I had to he’s ill. And he said to me “can I help you?” and I said “Yes, I keep dreaming these beautiful girls keep coming towards me and I keep pushing them away… these beautiful girls keep coming towards me and I keep pushing them away.” So he said “what do you want me to do?” and I said “break me arms.
I had a ploughman’s lunch the other day.
He wasn’t very happy.
My dog was barking at everyone the other day.
Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.
Last night I slept like a baby. I woke up three times, wet myself twice and cried myself back to sleep each time.
A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says:
“Would you please blow into this bag, Sir”
I said: “What for, Officer?”
He says: “My chips are too hot”
I got stopped again last night by another policeman.
He says: “I’d like to follow you to the nearest Police Station”
I said “What For?”
He said: “I’ve forgotten the way”
Sometimes I drink my whiskey neat. Other times I take my tie off and leave my shirt out
I went out for a meal last night. I ordered everything in French. Everyone looked surprised, it was a Chinese restaurant.
I went to the butcher’s the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf.
And he said, “No, the steaks are too high.”