More Tommy Cooper one liners

Sep 23, 2011 by

I went to the doctor the other day,
I said ‘it hurts when I do that’
he said ‘ well don’t do it’


I went to the doctor the other day,
I said ‘with all the excitement of Christmas I can’t sleep”
he said ‘ Try lying on the edge of your bed, you’ll soon drop off’


I went to Blackpool on holiday and knocked at the first boarding house that I came to.
A women stuck her head out of an upstairs window and said
‘What do you want?’.
‘I’d like to stay here’
‘Ok. Stay there’.


I went to the doctor. He said ‘you’ve got a very serious illness’.
I said ‘I want a second opinion’.
He said ‘all right, you’re ugly as well’.


I went to the doctor the other day I said ‘have you got anything for wind’ so he gave me a kite.


Two Aerials meet on a roof – fall in love – get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was brilliant.


A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”


A man walked into the doctors, he said “I’ve hurt my arm in several places.
The doctor said “well don’t go there any more”


A waiter asks a man, ‘May I take your order, sir?’
‘Yes,’ the man replies. ‘I’m just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?’
‘Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they’re going to die.


So I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?”.
He said “How flexible are you?”. I said “I can’t make Tuesdays”.


You see I’m against hunting, in fact I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.


I went to the doctors with a jelly stuck in one ear and custard in the other. The doctor asked, ‘what seems to be the problem?’ I said ‘you have to speak up, I’m a trifle deaf.’


I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.


My wife phoned me just before the show, and she said, “I’ve got water in the carburettor.” I said, “where’s the car?” she said, “in the river.”

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